Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Home
Funny Shit
Love Poems
Breakup poems
Friend poems
Poems to make you cry
Misc. poems
Inspirational quotes
Song Lyrics
Your Stuff
Funny Shit

Shit to make you laugh your ass off!!!

Elmo Factory
 
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call,
He won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love  to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And asI kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store.
Amen

 

Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!


 
diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
 
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide  my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can  under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage  first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the  garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check  left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my  desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so  that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting  warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that  I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the  flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and  suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the  remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to  put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the  spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled  because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.

Monkey Mission!